Feel:

What does that word mean to you? Is it simple for you, or very complex? Is it familiar for you, or very foreign?

I want you to think about it for a second. 

To me, this word has a color. A feeling. It is meaningful, essential and worthwhile. And most of all... the color of fall leaves.

That might not make sense to you, but if you really visualize it, fall leaves represent to me the start of the holiday season, and they remind me what is coming. The holiday all about giving thanks and remembering just what you are thankful for in this life. It's significant to note the changing leaves means changing seasons, and with that comes opportunity to count our blessings.

When I was around seven, a lot of people started coming into my life. I have always had the type of family that made friends everywhere we went, to know people is to love them, and even go so far as to welcome them into our family as soon as we meet them. To this day, every time I go somewhere and meet new people I want to say, "Would you like to be best friends?" Entirely because of how I was raised, everybody can become family if you choose them to be. Our family continuously grew as the years went on as my brothers, cousins, parents all collected people; this meant they were my people, too. The age of seven is ultimately the time when I began to remember everything vividly; the smells, the laughter, the way it all made me feel. My mother was a person who took anybody in. My brothers would tend to bring a crowd with them when they came home, and this truly delighted her when it happened. She loved hosting people in her home and making them feel welcome. It really did not matter to her what somebody looked like, what they did for a living, how they dressed or how much money they had. She taught me to be kind to every individual I met and love them for exactly who they are.

And so, with her genuine kindness came lots and lots of people, naturally. My mother moved from Iowa to Oregon, and slowly, bits and pieces of my family started following her. First, it was my cousin, Lindsey who followed her to attend college here in Ashland, Oregon. And with her, came her friends. Then, it was my cousin Nicole, Lindsey's sister. And with her, came her friends, too. These women; her friends, all became family very quickly, because my mother made it that way. She had them over for dinner, gave them sound advice when they asked for it, and shed light on the important things. A community of people surrounding you who care deeply about you is what she cultivated. There was consistently somebody new coming over, because they heard about the tribe of people who'd accept them. So for me, that meant lots and lots of people around me constantly. And lots more people I got to love.

So our Thanksgivings were always a grand event every year, as one could imagine. Between my mother and my grandmother, the cooking was always delectable, and to this day, absolutely cherished. They bonded in the kitchen and enjoyed making meals for everyone, it brought both of them complete joy to feed people. I can still taste the mouth watering stuffing, or the candied yams. Meals were always a way for our family to come together. And anyone was welcome. She made that abundantly clear. 

Our Thanksgiving did not just mean delicious food, it also meant practicing something sacred to us: Saying our "thankfuls" around the table each year. Every person seated at the dining room table was to say what they were thankful for. Even the shy ones or the ones who didn't like to talk in front of people. There was no getting around it; for this was very important at Thanksgiving. 

And so we did. Every single one of us said our thankfuls. And each time, every person at the table said that they were thankful for her. Whether it be a dirty kid, who had been living on the streets since they were fifteen, or whether it be my four year old cousin who learned at a young age what it meant to be unconditionally loved, we all mentioned how thankful we were for HER. Every time.

Looking back now, I wish I would've been more specific when saying my thankfuls at those Thanksgiving dinners surrounded by people I would never see again. People my brother brought home who touched me in ways they will probably never know because they are on epic adventures right now. Or people who left this Earth too soon and didn't know just how truly thankful I was for their presence and energy impacting who I am now. Each person who sat at my table each Thanksgiving showed me a new perspective, and showed me love. It's easy to be generic when it is your turn to say what you are thankful for at the table. Especially if you get nervous talking in front of people, all eyes on you. Usually, after about the fifth person has gone, you feel repetitive: "I am thankful for this food, for friends, and family, and for life itself". The whole table wants to groan and say, "Ah, come on, buddy. There must be more you are thankful for..." There is. There is SO much to be thankful for, if we just pay attention... I guess I know that now, because  it's something that can only be gathered through life and experience.

So, it was just the other night, that I had an opportunity to say what I was thankful for, for the first time since my mother passed away. I never mentioned this tradition at any other Thanksgiving gatherings I'd been to since she left us; I bitterly held onto the idea that when somebody dies traditions die with them. Maybe it was too painful. But every person she'd ever taken under her wing is teaching me that, no, traditions do not die. Not when it's so important to keep them alive.

In that moment, at a table full of familiar faces, those same women, children and dear friends my mother had taken in years ago, I said what was on my heart, for the first time in a long time. My 'thankfuls' went a little something like this that day, "I am so thankful for all of you around me today who have surrounded me my whole life. I am thankful for people who never gave up on me. I am thankful for the family that you choose. And I am thankful for the unconditional love I have been shown in my life." 

The gift of love is simply something that will never die. When you ignite that love into those around you, they can't help but spread it and light it wherever they go, too. There were times when my mother must've been so depleted. She was being beaten down by her own body battling aggressive cancer, a divorce, so many things had caused her bones to ache over the years and yet she kept giving love out like she had enough for the entire world. I truly believe she did. I am thankful I got to feel that love from her, and that I was even created by that very love.

When you experience loss, somehow it gets easier to say what you are thankful for every day. Absence of presence makes you realize all of those times you said, just like everyone else, "I am thankful for you, Mama Rock", wasn't repetitive but absolutely necessary. Whenever I said, "I am thankful for my family", that meant the ones you're forcibly related to by blood and the ones you also choose. It all felt casual to say at the time, but now I realize how profound it has been to say out loud the things you are thankful for throughout the years. How important and vital it is to keep our sanity; acknowledging our blessings and our downfalls. It is a simple way to remind us of the things that keep us going. We truly do have a lot to be thankful for but sometimes the road gets dusty, and it is hard to see those things. When in doubt, just be thankful for everything. 

I am a firm believer in finding gratitude in every day life, like I talked about in my last blog post. Once I started doing this, my reality began to shift and change. Gratefulness and thankfulness go hand in hand and they do not have to be saved for a day like Thanksgiving to be said. We can be thankful for things all around us all of the time. Just yesterday morning, before groggily rolling over and grabbing my phone, I stretched my arms out and said aloud, "I am thankful for this day." It was a simple thing to do that for the rest of my day, had a large impact on how it went.

Saying thanks and listing what you are thankful for should not feel difficult or be a challenging task. I understand why it can be, but I assure you that it gets easier the more often you choose to do it. If you are somebody who has clean, running water, a roof over your head, a warm bed, and food to eat every day, there you go. I already listed a few things you can say you are thankful for. I doubt those of you reading this would have a hard time finding the things in this life that give you purpose or motivate you to live your best life. There are things we take for granted every day because for some reason, it is significantly easier to overshadow the good with the bad. 

Being thankful is taking a breath. And being alive on this whimsical, yet sometimes painful planet we call home. Being thankful for family, and loved ones and being surrounded by good people. Being thankful for your health, or your working legs, or the fact that you get today off. Being thankful that even though life isn't always good, we can always choose to still be thankful. And that gives you so much power; when you take control of your life and decide you are going to be thankful for it.

Ever since I realized the importance of being thankful, the real deep meaning to it, I've started to be more specific. Although I wish I'd done this sooner. Here are just a few things I am thankful for:

I am thankful for the opportunities I have been given. I am thankful for each unique lessons I have learned. I am thankful for the lifelong people I have met along the way. I am thankful for an able body that takes me on many epic adventures. I am thankful for the sun beating down on my skin. I am thankful for the chance to love those who need it most. I am thankful for compassionate people who don't give up on making this world a better place. I am thankful for resources that keep me in good health. I am thankful for uncontrollable laughter. I am thankful for the loyalty of dogs. I am thankful for a family that is not linked by blood but by love. I am thankful to be alive and living for those who no longer can.

To anybody I have loved, or anybody who has hurt me, thank you. I am thankful for you. I am different now because of you.

And I love the person that I have become.

Choosing to be thankful does not mean to takeaway from the hardships we face in this life because man, sometimes it feels like the world is surely against us. It really just means despite that, being thankful anyway. I know that if we all tried to find one new thing we were thankful for each day, we'd be living much lighter and more fulfilling lives. I encourage you to try it sometime.

As for me, I have loved, lost and a lot of things in between, and still...

I am thankful for this life and I really hope that you are, too.

With love,

Izzy